The Struggle is Real: 10-Tips to Reduce Pressure & Transform Mealtimes

The mealtime experience is the foundation upon which kids build their relationship with food.

Gathering with food is one of the oldest and most universal expressions of human connection; however, when a child has feeding issues, mealtimes can become a source of stress, burnout, and frustration for parents. Kids feel mealtime stress too, which is often why they don't eat well and don't want to stay at the table. Parents frequently tell me that they dread mealtimes with their child. They describe emotional, stressful, and lengthy meals with exhausting power struggles over food intake. So how do we move toward a better mealtime experience, where food isn’t just about calories and nourishment - where mealtimes become a safe space for storytelling, connection, and celebration? Let's get started...

“Feed slowly and patiently and encourage children to eat but not force them; and when children refuse to eat, experiment with different combinations of foods. Feeding times are periods of learning and love - they are a time for caregivers to talk to the child...” - World Health Organization (WHO on Responsive Feeding)

Ongoing mealtime power struggles can contribute to picky eating and food refusal. Pressuring kids to eat is often unintentional and well-meaning, but multiple research studies have demonstrated that pushing, coercing, pressuring, and bribing kids to eat REDUCES their willingness to accept foods. If kids feel stressed at mealtimes, their brain enters fight-or-flight and their appetite becomes reduced. If your child feels happy, calm, and regulated at mealtimes, they will bring their appetite to the table and will be more likely to meet and eat foods. 

Under Pressure! Pressure to eat comes in many shapes and sizes.

• Cheerleading: “Yayyy!!! You ate carrots!!!” “You are such a good boy!”
• Overselling: “Mmmmmm….yummy! This is SOOOO GOOD!”
• Reminding/Prompting: “Take another bite.” “Keep going!”
• Insisting: “You have to try everything on your plate.”
• Negotiating: “3 more bites, then you can have more bread.”
• Controlling: “You have to finish your plate to get a treat.”
• Comparing: “Your brother is having a bite. He likes apples!”
• Begging: “Please, just one more bite.” “Take a bite for Dad.”
• Guilting: “Mommy made this for you…I’m so sad you won’t try it.”
• Bribing: “You can have ice cream if you eat your carrots.”
• Forcing or tricking: Distracting or pushing food toward child’s mouth.
• Rewarding: “You get a sticker or screen time for finishing your plate.”
• Shaming: “You are only eating junk food. That’s so bad for you.”

What have the research studies found about kids that are pressured to eat foods?

• Modeling eating was much more successful than verbal prompts
• Food offers with no verbal prompts were associated with higher acceptance of foods
• Toddlers - the more frequent use of verbal prompts was associated with more food rejection
• Pressure to eat resulted in greater resistance
• Pressure to eat is associated with lower diet quality
• Involvement in food preparation helped with food acceptance
• Children with more frequent family meals had better diet quality
• Foods should be available even if kids aren’t eating them
• Autonomy, emotional support, help with preparation make mealtimes pleasant and affectionate
• University students that were pressured to eat foods as a child had higher levels of disordered eating in university and they reported feelings of interpersonal conflict, sadness, lack of control, and helplessness
• 72% of these university students stated that they would not eat that food today

Even knowing all this, moving toward less commenting, prompting, or encouraging can feel like a very difficult shift for many parents, especially for children with growth issues, extreme picky eating, and nutritional concerns. I often coach parents that it doesn't have to start with an all-or-nothing approach. If a child has always been prompted and encouraged to eat, they may have become "prompt-dependent" and will not initiate or continue eating without encouragement. I simply ask parents to begin by being mindful of different forms of pressure and what that experience might feel like for their child. I talk to parents about how they might feel if a friend of colleague was constantly pushing them to eat or "try" foods that they did not like or felt fearful of eating. As parents become more aware of the different forms of mealtime pressure, they are gradually able to reduce stress at mealtimes. Parents often express a great sense of relief as they shift toward letting go of the belief that it's their job to "get" their child to eat. In turn, mealtimes become a less stressful experience, where kids and families can connect, laugh, chat, and have opportunities to meet new foods.

Don't we all do best when we make choices for ourselves instead of someone making us do something? Ideally we want to help kids work toward internal (versus external) motivation to eat. 

Examples of external motivation to eat:

• "Mommy will be so proud of you if you try the carrot!"
• "You can have a treat if you eat your vegetables."
• "You can have extra screen-time for trying some chicken."

Examples of internal motivation to eat:

• Your child likes the look or smell of a food.
• Your child asks to explore a food because they saw their friend eating it and they think it looks interesting.

When kids develop internal motivation to explore new foods, they are developing autonomy and learning to listen to what works their own body and unique sensory system. Foods that you might want your child to eat may not work for them. Can you think of a food that your friends or family like, that you think looks or smell disgusting? (Mine is oysters). If a child doesn't like the look or smell or a food, it's highly unlikely they will want to put the food in their mouth. I really believe that we should treat kids with the same respect that we would like to be treated with around food and mealtimes. After all, they are just mini-humans trying to learn, explore, navigate the world, and develop their own preferences.

Would you want to be pushed to "try" a food that made you feel like the young person in this picture?

10 Tips to Reduce Mealtime Power Struggles:

1. Your child could choose a playlist and be the DJ or help set the table
2. Allow 2.5 – 3 hours between meals and snacks for appetite development. Kids eat more volume and are more likely to explore a new food if they have appetite in their favour. Avoid grazing on foods between mealtimes.
3. Give your kiddo helping jobs like chopping, stirring, or bringing bowls of food to the table. Let your child be the server!
4. Try family-style serving where your child builds their own plate.
5. Keep it short and sweet! Aim for meals around 20 minutes. Snacks around 10 minutes.
6. Always offer safe foods that your child likes to eat, along with foods that you want to introduce. If you child is unable to tolerate a "learning food" on their plate, perhaps they could serve those foods on other people's plates. Avoid offering learning foods if this is creating stress at mealtimes....see my Food Play Blogs for other ways to help kids learn about new foods outside of mealtimes.
7. Eat with your child. Provide positive models of good eating behaviours. This is one of the best gifts you can give your child to help them learn about new foods.
8. Talk about other things than food and eating (e.g., the park, cousins, movies/shows). Some families make a "table talk" topic jar. Let's Change The Mealtime Conversation!
9. Remember it's normal for kids eat different amounts meal-to-meal and day-to-day. We do the same thing!
10. When your child is not eating, be calm and neutral. You could say, "It looks like you don't want to eat right now, let's clean up."  Try to say this without emotion (even if you feel like screaming on the inside).

Some kids enjoy serving foods to others using "Fun Food Tools!" - especially if they are hesitant to touch new foods. You can make a food toolkit with fun, colourful items from the dollar store or Amazon:

As a parent, you may not feel comfortable adopting an all-or-nothing approach to responsive feeding and no longer prompting your child to eat. If your child has special needs or has extreme food selectivity (picky eating) it may take longer to progress toward internal motivation to eat and your child may need mealtime help and accommodations to support eating.

It’s ok to approach change in small bites. Maybe your child could learn about new foods by delivering food to the table or serving other family members? Many kids love being The Server!

Perhaps you could try a bit less prompting and talk about other things than food/eating at mealtimes...like PawPatrol or Lego creations. Maybe you could observe your own response when you child is demonstrating challenging behaviours. Maybe at your next mealtime, try involving your child in putting music on, talking to your child about their day or what you will do after dinner, and accepting that it’s ok if they don’t finish all of their food at every meal. Implementing small changes can gradually lead to big improvements at mealtimes.  

Observe if you are able to slightly relax, drop your shoulders, take a deep breath, and enjoy your own meal. Try less counting bites and measure success differently by asking yourself..."Did we have a nice time at the table today?"  Over time, with less pressure and mealtime stress, your child may move toward inner-directed eating, which will help them to have a healthy relationship with food throughout their lifetime.

My best, Nicola

PS. Want to be part of a supportive parent feeding community and learn more about how to help your child on the feeding journey? Use the form below to Join the FeedingPlus Membership Waitlist.

References:

Ellyn Satter, RD: www.ellynsatterinstitute.org - “Ellyn is a Registered Dietitian who has devoted her career to uplifting the mealtime experience. She teaches parents how to transform family meals into joyful, healthful, struggle-free events, free from drama and conflict.

Child health: Recommended food for the very early years. World Health Organization (2011)

Infant and Child Feeding: World Health Organization (WHO) (2023)

Associations of family feeding and mealtime practices with children's overall diet quality: Results from a prospective population-based cohort. Mou Y, Jansen PW, Raat H, Nguyen AN, Voortman T. Appetite. 2021

The importance of mealtime structure for reducing child food fussiness. Powell F, Farrow C, Meyer C, Haycraft E. Maternal Child Nutrition. 2017 

“You Will Eat All of That!”: A retrospective analysis of forced consumption episodes, W Robert Batsell, Alan S Brown, Matthew E Ansfield, Gayla Y Paschall,Appetite, Volume 38, Issue 3, 2002

Recollections of pressure to eat during childhood, but not picky eating, predict young adult eating behavior. Ellis JM, Galloway AT, Webb RM, Martz DM, Farrow CV. Appetite. 2016